When insults had class
This week I feature a list of insults — some well known — that were shared with me years ago by a former business colleague and friend, Joe Chamberlin. We worked on projects together over fourteen years, including two years when we were both organization development specialists at Johns Hopkins Hospital (1996-98). Very funny man, amiable, gracious, empathetic. The soul of a mediator, which was his career up until his death in 2017.
When I retired in 2021, I wrote a four-page memo to my children, providing a rough timeline and highlights of my storied career. I mentioned a few personalities, and Joe was one of them. Here’s an excerpt from that essay:
“Work is hard; that’s why they call it work,” said Joe Chamberlin, a colleague at Hopkins. (Joe also quipped “I do all my work on Thursday, my most productive day. Measured in earnings per hour worked, I’m the highest paid employee here.” He cracked me up.)
So, here’s to the memory of Joe.
When insults had class.....These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued; before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to four-letter words!
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr (1913-1996) Broadway theater critic
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas (1900-66) American teacher and classical scholar"
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb (1876-1944) American writer
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating (1944- ) former Prime Minister of Australia
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard (1910-73) American comedian
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed (1839-1902) American politician
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
I can not help but notice here a classic over-representation of men. This can not stand. Here is what ChatGPT found for me:
“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”- Dorothy Parker
"He is a genius; but not always. Sometimes he is merely clever. Occasionally he is only intelligent. At rare intervals he is just stupid." - Elizabeth Hardwick (literary critic)
“There is less to this than meets the eye.” - Tallulah Bankhead (on seeing a performance)
“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” - Fran Lebowitz
(On being told by a colleague that he was “a self-made man”)“Yes, well, it’s nice of you to take the blame.” - Margaret Thatcher
(To a heckler shouting she wasn’t fit to be in Parliament)“And you, sir, are not fit to live — but here you are.” - Nancy Astor (first woman to sit in British Parliament)
“I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.” - Lillian Hellman
“He was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.” - Ann Richards (former Texas Governor re. George W. Bush)
“I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.” - Jane Austen, through one of her characters
“If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me.” - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (daughter of Teddy Roosevelt)
That’s a lot better.
One more, from one of my best buds.
“Hickman, you always cease to amaze me.”- Bill Price
Classic.
See you next week.
Makes me think of my friend's dad's memorial service where similar hilarities were shared from his unparalleled wit.
He rec'd a phone call from a fellow colleague one evening.
"Hello Dick. Is this a good time to call? Are you having supper?"
To which Dick replied, "No, but I wish I were."
OMgoodness. These are hilarious. I love the good old, bad old days. Mind if I swipe some of these for my quote series? Although, I am trying to do something a little less insulting, and a little more loving, it's nice to break it up now and then with some real zingers. Keeps things real. The Churchill/Astor quote is phenomenal. He was a clever dude. And of course, Dorothy P never disappoints. xo